Is Having Close Friends a Modern-Day Miracle?

Some say that Jesus’ greatest miracle was having 12 close friends in his 30s. As someone in her late 20s, I can understand why. With age, we become more socially selective, have less time to invest in friendships, and become preoccupied with other aspirations.

When you ask Google how to form friendships, you might get the usual culprits: listen well, know their love languages, plan regular hangouts, etc. Sociologists claim that there are three necessary conditions for intimate friendships: (1) proximity, (2) repeated, unplanned interactions, and (3) a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.

However, the way that I’ve developed intimate friendships has been largely shaped by the way that I’ve seen my family love others and love me. Though they never explicitly stated or articulated their friendship philosophies, their friendship values were clear. These are the three signs that I’ve made a close friend:

1) A Friendship Centered Around the Home

If you step into our home, the first thing you’ll see is a fruit platter waiting for you. Adorned in a perfect circle is the fellowship of the fruits — dragon fruit, Taiwanese guava, persimmons, blueberries, white peaches, muscat grapes, and Korean pears. No matter what time you come, my mom will present you with a fresh fruit platter; it is the bare minimum of hospitality. And even if your visit is unexpected, don’t worry. My mom is always prepared in advance for your coming, with a stocked pantry of Asian snacks and an eagerness to whip up a home-cooked meal. No belly will leave our house unfed. This is simply the way of the Asian household and contributes to the charm of one coming over to our home.

Social gatherings and hangouts are usually planned in public places: coffee shops, restaurants, bars, malls, etc. But the environment and ambiance play a huge factor in the quality of your conversations; you can’t have much of a conversation if you can barely hear your friend. Nor do I feel compelled to share sensitive information when others can eavesdrop. The home is the best place to develop and grow a friendship because you can let your guard down, deeply connect, and eliminate the distractions around you. There’s no pressure to leave either, by a vulture waiter circling your seat or table, and induces extra time to hang out. Additional conversational topics and opportunities for free play get brought into the mix, and you have time to say whatever comes to your mind instead of having a catch-up “business meeting” with rigid time stamps, forced transitions, and no space for tangents. 

The home is also a way we can show our love through food. I regularly lure friends to come over with homemade Taiwanese beef noodle soup and braised pork over rice and have also been invited over for Vietnamese beef stew. I understand that some folks may not have the luxury of a place to properly host, whether it’s with undesirable living conditions, cramped square footage, or unwilling roommates, but if there is the opportunity to do so, I highly recommend it!

2) The Gift of Leisure Time

My sister and I live on opposite coasts, as I’m in New York City and she is in San Francisco, but we maintain our friendship through spontaneous phone calls and intentional visits. Whenever I go back home to California, my sister clears her whole social agenda like I’m the president. “Sorry, I can’t make it to your birthday party — my sister is in town.” “Can we push back the meeting to next week? My sister is over.” She gives me all of her time to hang out, and we hang out from dawn to dusk. We don’t need Michelin-starred restaurant reservations or Santa Cruz hikes. All we need is morning coffee, bathrobes, and a couch to lounge on and chat. 

Research shows that the average adult needs to spend 50 hours with someone to consider them as a casual friend and about 200 hours to view them as a close friend. As mentioned above, sociologists suggest having repeated, unplanned interactions, but in young adult life, ain’t nobody got time for dat! Our time is limited with a 40-hour work week that leaves us exhausted on weekday nights, which only leaves weekends. And that’s only two days, spread across the time that you need to recharge personally and for friends, family, a partner, hobbies, and interests. So, how, then, do we accumulate the 200 hours to create close bonds? With limited time, I can’t always promise repeated/consistent hangouts, but I can provide ample time per each hangout. 

For starters, I try not to plan anything before or after the hangout that would cause me to run late or leave early. I plan for a great cushion around each hangout; rather than assuming that a hangout will last X amount of time, I allocate three to four hours for hanging out, and I am open in case both of us want to hang out longer. For example, a few weeks ago, a group of friends came over for a “Thai tasting party” with souvenir snacks I purchased on my recent trip to Thailand. The event started at 2 p.m. and had a formal end at 4 p.m., but most people stayed till 8 p.m. To build a friendship that is actively growing, we need the leisure time to catch up and make new memories properly. A friendship that only goes through maintenance checks misses out on the ability to encourage, advise, comfort, and mourn each other through the seasons, which is crucial for intimacy.

3) A Posture to Listen and Build Understanding

My dad doesn’t rush to understand me. He fits the stereotypical Asian dad norm in that he is quieter than his spouse, but I’ve always found his countenance calming, making it easier to open up and be vulnerable. One of my favorite things to do with my dad is to go for a walk in the neighborhood. Not only does it pry him away from his work, but it also allows me to explore his inner psyche and be known by him. We walk for at least an hour, shooting the wind as we chat. We take turns asking questions that lead to life musings and open-ended conclusions. We share back and forth on how we’re feeling about work, faith, and relationships and make space for each other to inquire for additional clarity. There’s no interruption or domination of the conversation by either party. My dad generously listens and waits until he’s certain that I’m done talking.

Listening as an essential practice for effective communication is not new advice. However, there are very few people in this world who listen well. I’ve been to one too many dinners where the person talks way too much about themselves and doesn’t take the time to redirect the conversation back to you. When it comes to building intimacy with someone, I would rather not fight for my space or an opportunity to talk. Instead, vulnerability and trust come when my thoughts, opinions, and perspective are invited in. Stephen Covey, the author of the best-selling book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” states, “The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” 

Whether people have short attention spans, are chattier than the average person, or are plain narcissists, the fact is that listening is a rare skill to have. Honest reflection on our listening and comprehension skills will serve us well so that we can understand the depths of our friends’ joys, pains, frustrations, and struggles. And I make a careful note to say that we build understanding. It’s not assuming that we can fully understand, but we work towards understanding. For example, a new job offer doesn’t always bring joy; a friend could be experiencing confusion, frustration, or even apathy. It’s best to ask neutral questions to help a friend process and achieve clarity. It is one thing to think you understand and another to acknowledge that we’re building from the ground up, so we must actively seek to understand.

These three aspects have been important to me as I cultivated young adult friendships in New York City. I can’t say that I’m making friends as fast as I did back in high school or college, but I can ascertain that having close friends in our 30s doesn’t require a miracle. All it needs is the tender love and care of an open home, leisure time, and someone who seeks to listen and understand you.