Reclaiming Wellness Through a New Perspective of Self-Care 

I have known since I was a child that anything I do or any choice I make will reflect upon my mother or extended family, unintentionally or not. I always consider how my actions might have a domino effect, highly emphasized by my mother and my upbringing. I was never allowed to make a choice simply because I wanted to or because it made me happy. I’ve always had to think about the bigger picture. 

I have also known since childhood that one day, it would be my/my brother’s responsibility to take care of our ailing mother. Growing up in Vietnamese culture, ancestral worship is considered a huge part of our identity and how we determine our paths and actions. We need to ensure that the decisions we make will not bring shame — not only to ourselves, but also to our ancestors who have made it possible for us to be here. The daunting task of familial responsibility and communal thinking leaves little room for time to think about oneself. However, I believe that in order to work better as a whole, we must also take the time to work on ourselves. How can we do better by our family and community, if we are not taking care of ourselves first and foremost to be healthy, sound of mind, and content? 

Self-care can take many forms, from taking a bath, to keeping a journal, to taking time to be alone and away from outside stressors. For those within many AAPI communities, we are often told that to stop for a second to catch our breath or to consider our feelings first before the greater scheme of things is inherently selfish.

How would we define self-care? I would define it as actions or mindsets taken to improve, benefit and/or calm one’s mind, health and wellbeing. 

How would we define selfishness? I would define it as putting oneself above everything and all else, even to the detriment of oneself and to those around them, usually to the point of narcissism.

For my own personal journey, I needed to make peace with myself that taking care of myself needs to intertwine and sometimes takes priority over what others want or expect of me, not to disregard every responsibility tasked upon me by my family. A specific responsibility I have had to bear is knowing my brother and I will have to take care of our ailing family members, but without balancing our personal aspirations with our caregiving duties, all it will lead to is resentment and burnout. Instead, I need to stand back and see if what I am doing is leading to my deterioration, instead of keeping a balance of preserving myself while tending to what is needed of me. I believe setting boundaries and mindful reflection are the hardest principles to initiate in AAPI family/community dynamics, as we are often taught to feel guilty for prioritizing our needs in any way. 

Self-care is a lifelong process and necessity for everyone, and especially for those within the AAPI community facing unique challenges of rigid social structures and family dynamics. This is an ever changing and ongoing conversation that we must continue to open up and be vulnerable about. Together, we can explore the much needed territory of balancing personal needs with our cultural and familial expectations, such as burning out from the pressure of academic and professional excellence or the responsibility of taking care of our aging parents at the expense of our own personal lives. 

We asked the rest of the Mochi community about their thoughts and decisions around self-care. Here’s what they said: 

“As a mom of three kids, giving myself permission for self-care is tough. I wholeheartedly encourage other people to make time for themselves, but I’m still learning to do this for myself. I’ve also seen this struggle in my mom, being the oldest of six in an immigrant family and juggling all the expectations and responsibilities that come with that, even now in her 70s. I do think that our Chinese culture plays a role in undervaluing (and even devaluing) self-care, especially as a culture that emphasizes deference to family and community needs. My hope is to change this in my family…and I see it happening already! Even though my kids often ask things of me, they also will encourage me to take care of myself and time for myself.” — Melody Ip, Mochi copy chief

“Self-care is something I’m trying to really get better at, now that I’m in New York and very far away from family and friends I grew up with. Growing up, I don’t think self-care felt like a true concept. My mom struggles with depression to this day, but she is a very tough woman. So when I got depressed in high school, she expected me to tough it out, too, and live as if nothing was wrong. Perhaps it is because my sister studied to become a psychologist that my family was exposed more to the importance of self-care and mental health. Oftentimes self-care can still feel like a selfish act, especially when you have to say ‘no’ to things or people. In times like those, I think about the concept of filling one’s cup. If your cup is empty, you really don’t have anything left to give to others or yourself. So try to do things that fill your cup and keep you feeling as whole as you can.” — Dani Kau, Mochi art director

“Mimi Khúc, a scholar of Asian American, gender, and disability studies, advocates that the goal of mental health is not about aiming toward wellness. If we aim toward wellness, then we are focusing on being ‘normal’ again, whatever that means. Khúc states, ‘Because the goal is care, not wellness. That starts when we first give ourselves permission to admit that we are not well, and permission to be unwell.’ So my encouragement to others who are struggling to prioritize their wellness without feeling selfish? It starts with welcoming the dark and debilitating feelings, and cultivating a culture of inclusivity within our internal experiences — a sanctuary where every emotion, no matter how uncomfortable or difficult, is welcomed as an essential part of our human experience. This, in turn, will allow us to explore how we want to care for ourselves.” — Van Bui, PhD, LCSW, MA, PPSC

Cover: Marcel Strauß / Unsplash