A Beginner’s Guide to Friendship Boundaries

As Maki Park finished up a call with a friend, she realized it had happened again. Like many times prior, Park had spent the majority of the call asking questions and listening to her friend. An hour had passed without Park getting a chance to talk about her life — and without her friend showing any interest to hear from her.

Park, a Seattle-based mental health counselor, is naturally curious about people’s lives and tends to play the role of listener and supporter. But when she isn’t mindful of how she’s spending her time and emotional energy, resentment and unhealthy dynamics can creep in.

“I love being emotionally generous of spirit and giving very freely of myself — even if this is not 100% reciprocated in the same way — in seasons where my own cup is full and I have a lot to give,” Park explains. But in seasons of high demand — when her children were younger or during the height of pandemic anxiety, for example — Park’s personal resources are lower. In these situations, she recognizes the need to advocate for her own needs and boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Recognizing and Defining Boundaries

In current American culture, boundaries are a hot topic. We flash the word around with our families, in our workplace, in relationships, and even with strangers. Yet some of us still struggle not only to set boundaries but to even identify our needs so we can figure out what boundaries are necessary.

“For some people, it’s very intolerable — the idea of upsetting other people, asking for something difficult, or saying no,” says Megan Soun, an Orange County-based therapist with Yellow Chair Collective, a therapy group that specializes in the Asian American experience. “In some sense, it feels easier, more comfortable, more peaceful, to maintain the relationship as it is over prioritizing your own needs.”

Low self-esteem also plays a part. You don’t see yourself as being valuable or worthy and, therefore, can’t justify advocating for yourself. Guilt over the obligation to maintain a friendship — or otherwise feel like you’re doing something wrong or letting someone down — also keeps people stuck in unhealthy dynamics.

“Our past informs how we approach relationships, so maybe we saw in our own families or friends growing up that we don’t set boundaries or don’t really communicate our feelings, so it’s really new and unfamiliar to do so,” Soun says. As we witnessed unresolved conflicts in our parents’ relationships, we may have absorbed the notion that conflict or confrontation of any sort is negative and leads only to tension and damage, rather than resolution and healing.

Cultural Nuances of Boundaries

In many Asian cultures, boundaries are a touchy subject. Collectivism clashes with individualism, particularly between generations that may hold very different ideas about boundaries.

“Sometimes in families, we were not really allowed to check in with ourselves [because] the needs of everyone else — the collective, the family, or the parents — were more important than our own needs,” says Dr. Ann Tran, a Vietnamese American San Francisco-based clinical psychologist. “Or our own needs didn’t matter anyway because of other struggles or trauma, and we may not even know that [having needs] is an option.”

Living in dual cultural contexts complicates Park’s experience with boundaries, both in her career and personal relationships. In the professional setting, Park has been told that the pathway to success means being more assertive and vocalizing her needs. Yet, being highly attuned to others and anticipating people’s needs — values instilled by her Asian family of origin — feels very comfortable and authentic for her.

“Finding a balance between staying true to who I am while also adapting to specific cultural contexts can feel complicated,” Park says.

Four Tips to Identify and Set Boundaries

Despite internal and cultural hurdles that keep us from setting boundaries, growth is possible. If you recognize that dynamics and patterns in a friendship need to change — yet you want to honor and preserve the connection — our experts suggest starting with these steps:

1. Check in with yourself

If simply identifying your need feels foreign, Tran recommends pausing and checking in with yourself. For example, your body tenses up when a friend texts you. Ask yourself: What feelings and thoughts are brewing? What expectations do I feel, either from myself or my friend? If you feel urgency to respond — but don’t want to — imagine alternative responses and how you might feel to do something other than responding immediately. What do you sense in your body when you picture yourself telling your friend that you’ll text her back when you have more time?

If you can’t check in with yourself in the moment, do it in hindsight. Take time to rewind and review everything that happened leading up to your feeling of overwhelm or anger, and try to identify the root cause of your emotions.

2. Start small

When we’re unaccustomed to setting boundaries, even the smallest one feels daunting. We’re seeking to break out of life-long patterns, and not everyone will applaud you — especially if it impacts their relationship with you.

“There are many things that we can do to set boundaries, whether it’s not answering a phone call right away or not answering a text right away — more subtle ways,” explains Tran. “And then saying, ‘I’ll call you back when I’m ready or have space to do that,’ and then checking in with ourselves.” 

If you’re accustomed to volunteering to help someone out, give yourself a day or two to think through your motivations and bandwidth before responding. Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be announced or flashy; it often simply looks like giving ourselves permission to respond differently. 

3. Practice nonviolent communication when expressing your feelings and needs

If you want to have a conversation with your friend about setting boundaries to improve the relationship, Soun highly recommends using nonviolent communication, a method of communicating based on universal feelings and needs. Emphasize that you are initiating this conversation because you care to maintain the friendship; otherwise, you would just walk away.

1. Begin with a concrete observation: State your observation without judgment and without using absolutes, like “always” or “never,” that any outsider could also witness. For example: “When you showed up 30 minutes late for the third time in a row …” rather than “You’re being disrespectful by always showing up late.” Stick to the facts.

2. Follow the observation with your feeling: “When you showed up 30 minutes late for the third time in a row, I felt disappointed and sad.”

3. State your need: Make a concrete, tangible request about what you need, reducing the likelihood for assumptions. For example: “Can you show up on time the next time we meet?” rather than “Can you do better?”

4. Give friends opportunities to help you

Park explains that people feel closer to friends after having had the opportunity to help or support them. The next time you need a ride to the airport or a listening ear, call up a friend who may not have had opportunities to help you in concrete ways — but with whom you’d like to maintain or even deepen a friendship with. This also could reduce feelings of resentment if you’re usually in the position of supporting that friend. 

“Attaching a value to accepting help and generosity instead of associating this with feelings of judgment or shame can be a step forward,” Park says. “We all know that we should be generous in our giving, but it may be a harder lesson to learn that we should be generous in receiving as well.”

If you’ve tried these approaches and conflict and tension still exist, understand that it’s OK to let go of the friendship.

“You have limited time and energy, and it takes a lot of intention and effort to maintain connections and friendships,” says Tran. “There’s a way to honor them, but also know that we have different seasons, and maybe this friendship is something you can pick up later on.”

Cover Credit: Alycia Fung / Pexels