Amy Yip’s Debut Book Connects Adult Children and Their Immigrant Parents

As children of immigrants, many of us butt heads with our parents over cultural differences and misunderstandings. We don’t understand their immigrant narratives and experiences; they don’t understand the dichotomy between being Asian and being American. Author and personal coach Amy C. Yip addresses these tensions through personal essays in her book, “Unfinished Business: Breaking Down the Great Wall Between Adult Child and Immigrant Parents,” while equipping readers to pursue connection (or “have dates,” as she refers to it) with their parents. 

“Unfinished Business” is part-memoir, part-workbook. Yip breaks the book down into eight myths that she — as a Chinese American — grew up believing, such as “My success will never be good enough for my parents,” “I must be mentally tough and never ask for help,” and “It’s better to be a boy than a girl.” She relives her memories and experiences around these myths, and then flips the narrative by asking her parents to share their thoughts around these ideas. While the essays are vulnerable and ground-breaking for Yip and her parents, Yip admits that the conversations spanned multiple attempts, some of which were derailed by heated words and painful emotions. 

The result is a blueprint for reconnection. Yip provides journal prompts, tips, and questions designed to facilitate meaningful conversations, leading to a deeper understanding of the dreams, aspirations, and fears of our immigrant parents. She pushes readers to address the taboos and the unsaid, challenge preconceived notions that they’ve carried since childhood, and venture into the untold stories that have silently dictated their lives. 

“While the journey may never be straightforward, the act of attempting, understanding, and delving deep can make it all worthwhile,” Yip says, underscoring the value of bridging generational gaps. Yip’s writings reflect the universal longing for validation, understanding, and connection — emotions that transcend age, culture, and backgrounds. 

The following is an excerpt from “Unfinished Business: Breaking Down the Great Wall Between Adult Child and Immigrant Parents”: 

Love Is a Two-Way Street

愛不是 佔有. 而是欣賞.

ài bù shì zhàn yǒu. Ér shì xīn shǎng.

Love is not about possession. It’s all about appreciation.

Mama Yip plops a bowl of strawberries down and returns to her seat at the table. 

“So how do you want your kids to show you they love you?” I inquire.

Papa Yip pushes the bowl of strawberries my way and points to it, indicating I should eat some. “Your mommy and I have been listening to this one Chinese talk show a lot. It’s about how us old people can better connect with our children. Let me tell you about this last episode we listened to.”

I’m confused about where this is going, but I let him continue.

“It was about a Chinese woman our age. Her son had a baby and asked her to help. She agreed. She did all the cleaning, cooking, and took care of the baby. Her daughter-in-law never helped and would be quite demanding. She’d even say things like, ‘I’m hungry. When’s food going to be ready?’ One day, the mom fell and broke her hip. Even then, the daughter-in-law didn’t show any kindness. Instead she made comments about how useless her mother-in-law was that she couldn’t even handle a bit of work without falling. The father-in-law got very angry. He said to the son, ‘We could be retired now. Instead we’re helping you because you’re our son. You don’t show any gratitude. You treat your mom like a servant instead of a mom.’ He took the mom home, and they stopped helping their son and their grandchild.”

I grimace. Mama Yip is planning to come help me the first two months of my baby’s life. I can’t imagine ever treating her that way.

“You know,” Papa Yip continues, “kids these days always expect their parents to understand them. They want their parents to change and show them love, to take care of them, but they don’t consider how they can show their parents love and appreciation. How they can take care of their parents. They don’t pause to consider how they might try to understand their parents’ perspective or how hard change might be for us older folks. Unlearning decades of beliefs and changing our actions is a monumental task.

“True love is a two-way street. Mutual love requires both parties to understand the other side and love without expectation. Why is it that you want your parents to change and show you love through words when that’s not how they inherently show love? Why can’t the children change and try showing their parents love through actions?”

Papa Yip’s words take me back to sitting on the bed with Greg, discussing love languages. What dawns on me is that perhaps the distinction between how those of us who grew up in America express love versus how our parents express love is merely a difference in love languages. I wanted my parents to show me through words, while they preferred expressing love through actions. Similar to Greg and me, they’re merely different preferences. Neither is right nor wrong. What would it look like for me to show my parents love in their love language, through action?

Papa Yip interrupts my thoughts. “Thoughtfulness and helping is how we show love to our own parents. Your maternal grandparents loved lobsters. So I used to buy lobsters and, after working a 16-hour day, I would drive to their home to drop the lobsters off to them. Now think about it. I was already barely sleeping, so I was using my sleeping time to treat your grandparents to lobsters. Not to mention, lobsters were expensive, our income was low, and we had three daughters to support. It wasn’t easy to treat them to lobsters. But we knew it would make them happy. This is how we showed our love and appreciation to them.”

He pauses and, as if he can read my mind, answers the question I’ve been pondering: what would children showing love to their parents through action look like?

“If you love your parents, then you need to express appreciation towards them. Let them know how lucky you are to have them in your life. Far too often, parents are taken for granted. It’s easy to show appreciation. Call your parents more often. People these days seem to have more time for outsiders than their own family. If something or someone matters enough to you, you make time. So how important are your parents to you? If they matter to you, then make the time to call them. Ask them how their doctor’s appointment went. Remember their favorite food and bring it to them.”

I nod, absorbing it all and reflecting on my own desires growing up to will my parents into changing and showing me love in the way I wanted, never recognizing how hard it must be for them to change decades of learned behavior.

“And if you want to hear ‘I love you’ or get them to be more affectionate, you have to show them how it’s done,” Mama Yip adds. “If it weren’t for you continuously forcing us to say ‘I love you,’ we wouldn’t be doing it now. We used to not be able to utter those words. ‘I love you’ felt stuck in our throats. After the first time we forced it out, the second time was easier to force out, and it got easier and easier. Now, we’re able to say ‘I love you’ easily. You just have to be patient and practice with your parents.

“Your daddy might respond to you with ‘I don’t love you’ or resist when you try to give him a hug or a kiss, but inside he loves it. He receives it and holds it in his heart.”

“Why is that?” I inquire.

“Chinese men can’t seem weak by saying they like that kind of thing,” Papa Yip explains. “So they can’t say that they like hearing ‘I love you’ or receiving hugs and kisses.”

I wonder what my parent’s love language really is. They say love is expressed through action, but perhaps it’s because they’ve been conditioned to believe that.

“Well do you like hearing I love you?” I ask Papa Yip pointedly. “Do you like getting hugs and kisses from your daughters?”

“Of course he does!” Mama Yip exclaims.

“You heard your mommy,” Papa Yip smiles. “You don’t need me to admit it. You heard it already.”

I grin, knowing he does like it. I’ll just keep showing both of them love in all the ways I can.

“Unfinished Business: Breaking Down the Great Wall Between Adult Child and Immigrant Parents,” published by Publish Your Purpose, was released on Sept. 28, 2023. Find the book online or at your local bookstore.